Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. Like love it so much it may be my favorite holiday. I love it not just because you get to stuff your belly full of ridiculously delicious foods that you hardly ever eat outside of the holiday (like cranberry sauce, my FAVORITE) but because it is so very important for me to reflect on what I have to be thankful for. Because I'm a teacher and get to teach Thanksgiving year after year, I am reminded how the pilgrims had NOTHING-in fact lost a ton of friends and family-and still believed it necessary to thank God for His many blessings. Amazing role models.

I am in a season of my life where I am so unbelievably thankful. I know I have said it over and over that God keeps providing in this situation (and you'll probably continue to hear it over and over so it you don't like it, you may want to stop reading!) but it is truly amazing. The love, support, and encouragement from every person who knows our situation is crazy. I was prepared for people to tell me terrible stories. I was prepared for people to ask us why we weren't going further with fertility treatments. I was prepared to have to explain all the details of how God had called us to end the roller coaster ride and called us to adopt. And I've never had to do any of those things. I've had lots of hugs. Lots of prayers. Lots of beautiful stories. Lots of LOVE. And for that, I am thankful.

My friend has decided to help Chris and I fund some of our adoption costs by doing a Scentsy fundraiser. Not sure if you know much about Scentsy, but they're pretty incredible. Buy the warmer and a couple of scents and your home will smell amazing. WAY safer than a candle, a great Christmas gift, and 30% of your sale goes toward Baby Crowder. If you are interested, click here. It will be shipped directly to your address so you can buy even if we have never met. The party ends December 6th to get everything in by Christmas so order away friends! I am SO thankful for your support.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Happy Thanksgiving!

He Is In Every. Single. Detail.

I'm seriously so excited about my blog right now. God is BEYOND good. When I first started this blog, it was mostly to write down about us trying to start a family. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in my life or if anyone would ever read it. Now I'm hearing from people experiencing infertility who are just happy to read about someone else dealing with what they're dealing with. I hear from people who want to help us with fundraising and finding babies. It's so awesome to hear from some who are experiencing some sort of emotion from reading and I pray that emotion is them feeling God's presence from our faith. That is my biggest prayer for this journey. That we would be such a testimony of God's unfailing love EVEN in our struggle. That people would see our faith and learn to trust Him with whatever their situation is. We've quickly learned that we can't do one. single. bit of this on our own.

This week has been CRAZY. My mom, sister, and tons of others have been posting my blog on Facebook. Right now we intend to pursue an agency but we know that there are often private adoption opportunities and we want to get the word out that we are looking for an adoption plan. My mom posted my blog and a client of hers read it. She is in a group through a hospital with a pregnant girl in it looking to make an adoption plan. My mom's client talked to her and she was willing to talk to us. I got her number Tuesday and was told to call her sometime after 6.

Are you ready to see God show up BIG TIME?

A pastor's wife and I led the preschool VBS worship this summer. Our church is pretty big so I really haven't seen her since then. I talked to her when I miscarried back in July and that was really the last we have spoken. Tuesday she calls me. She wanted to ask me about a Mary Kay event and that for some reason, the Lord had put me really heavy on her heart and she just wanted to see what was going on. I called her back after work and told her I knew exactly why I was on her heart-we were choosing to adopt. She started crying. Immediately she starts spouting off women at our church who have/are adopting that I could talk to. One woman really could use a friend that did not have children at this time (trust me, I know that feeling SO well) and another was adopting her baby next week. I ended the phone conversation amazed that God would put me on some one's heart who does not even know our situation.

It gets better.

Five minutes later, the girl who is adopting next week calls me. I have NEVER met her before or really know who she is. Here's her situation: adopting a baby privately through a family friend situation in another state. Here's our situation: have a private adoption opportunity through a family friend situation in another state. Hellllloooo! I couldn't make that up! God is SOOOOO good to provide EXACTLY what we needed the exact day that we needed it. I'm crying writing it. I don't know what will happen with this situation with us but I do know that I needed to hear from someone in this situation to know exactly what to discuss with the birth mom, what to look for, what to look out for, etc. The Lord put us on ONE woman's heart to connect us with ANOTHER woman who is experiencing the EXACT SAME SITUATION as us. It makes me so excited to know that He is present in EVERY step of this situation. I'm trusting that He is going to provide exactly what we need exactly when we need it. Seriously. So faithful.

Yesterday we went to our adoption workshop at the agency and learned so much. It was awesome to be in the same room with so many couples in the same situation as us. Almost everyone was dealing with some sort of previous infertility troubles, all of us were scared out of our little minds, and we all were excited to watch God's plan for us unfold. I love that this agency is so Christ focused and that all the counseling that Chris and I OR the birth family gets is Christ centered.

One last little thought: I am just so impressed with women who decide to make an adoption plan. Seriously...how SELFLESS? The Bible has so many examples of adoption (Jesus was "adopted" by Joseph, Moses, US as adoptive children of Christ) and I'm so impressed with anyone who can make that decision. In a world where abortion is SO easy (take a pill and you can have an abortion), birth parents are EXTREMELY brave. I just appreciate anyone who can make that tough decision to give a gift to someone. I can't wait to meet our birth family and Chris and I pray hard every day not just for our baby, but for our birth family. Our hearts will be forever grateful for their brave, selfless decision.

Provision Follows Obedience

Do you know what I love? When you're in church and just know that God prepared the message just for you. I know that sounds a little self centered when you go to a church of 3,000+ people but I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me.

I won't go through every single detail of the sermon (you'll just have to come to Valley Creek Church if you want to hear it :)) but it was gooood. One of the things Pastor John said that spoke directly to me was "Provision follow obedience, miracles follow faith". EXACTLY what is happening in my life right now. The second Chris and I said "okay, God. We'll do this adoption thing you are calling us to do. We have not one single clue what we're doing so please, please guide us", He's done exactly that.

Friday I let my focus get off the miracle that He is doing in this and my mind started to fill with fear. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if no one chooses us? What if it takes YEARS? How do we afford this PLUS all the things we'll need for a new baby? Is it tacky to do a fundraiser or ask people if they are interested in donating? Will the baby feel connected to us? And on and on and on. I seriously could make myself sick with worries. I know very few people who have adopted domestically and I'm unsure of exactly how this is all suppose to play out.

Today, our pastor talked about not needing to know what things are going to look like in the end. God is leading us one step at a time. It may not make sense at the time or we may not be able to see what the end looks like, just put one foot in front of the other with HIS directions. I'm praying that no matter how long or short this process may be, that we would be sensitive to His leading.

Saturday afternoon, Chris went out to get the mail. A letter came from a couple who go to our old church in St. Louis and who are good friends with my parents. They too went through a terrible battle with infertility and went on to have a sweet baby girl through the miracle of IVF. They know exactly what we are going through and have felt God's call to adopt. Inside the letter was a check to help us with the costs of the adoption process. Chris and I read the letter together and just cried. We stood in the middle of our kitchen with tears streaming down our face and thanked God for his goodness and provision in this situation. Provision follows obedience, miracles follow faith.

Continue to pray for us as we follow His steps. Pray for our future baby. If he/she is in utero right now, please pray for protection. Pray for his/her birth mom to know when they find us that we are the right fit for her child. Pray that God would continue to provide. So excited to see the "only God" story this is going to be!

Something Beautiful

Every morning on the way to school, I talk to my mom on the phone. We usually just chat about what we are doing that day or what happened the day before and my morning commute is just not the same without talking to her. Monday through Wednesday this week, she took a little "mini vacation" to the Lake of the Ozarks with my dad for her birthday. Although it was weird not talking to her, I took advantage of spending a few minutes with God each of those days while I drove. On Wednesday, I turned on the Christian radio station and a song that I heard a million times came on that touched me in a completely different way now that my mindset on adoption has changed. Here are the lyrics:

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire

Cause I just want

Something beautiful

To touch me,

I know that I'm in reach

Cause I am down on my knees

Waiting for

Something Beautiful

As I drove to work, tears filled my eyes. The Lord really used this song to work in me. During our entire infertility journey, I prayed consistently to get pregnant. I told God what I thought He needed to do for me. I wasn't asking Him to consume me-I was telling Him what to do. You would think it would take me less than three years to figure it out but I guess I have the tendency to be a little stubborn. :)

It's amazing what He can do to your heart when you become vulnerable and let Him.

I guess within the last few months I stopped praying to get pregnant. I stopped telling God what I wanted Him to do. I stopped praying and praying and praying and started listening. I allowed myself to open my heart to Him and not be bitter and angry. I knelt before Him and told Him I was ready for His will. No longer would I be like Jonah and run from His calling. When I started listening to His call instead of telling Him what His call needed to be, it was way more beautiful than what I was asking Him to do. He's using this area of heartbreak and turning it into something beautiful. He's taking an unfortunate situation from a birth mom and turning it into the most beautiful gift we could imagine. He's taking average people and using them to bless us in a way that is more beautiful than I can describe. I just want something beautiful.

Please continue to be in prayer for us as we prepare for our workshop next Friday. We are very excited but we don't want our emotions to get in the way of important information that we will be receiving. Pray we keep our joy throughout this process and hear from the Lord before each step we take.

Here's the song if you're interested:

Confirmation is a Beautiful Thing

I know I already told you here that we have decided to pursue adoption. The adoption journey is a long one and I just want to keep up to date on what is happening with that decision.

Let me just say confirmation is a beautiful thing.

The past couple of weeks have been trying. My brain is in a constant battle with my heart on how this whole adoption process will play out. I am SUCH a planner and not knowing the who's or what's is so difficult for me. My brain keeps telling me to just continue trying to conceive. It's natural, FREE (Lord knows I would love for this process to be free right about now!), and is how most couples go about starting their families. It just makes sense. My heart is telling me to seek God. To lean not on my own understanding. To line my will up with His. And you know what? When things are going good, that's exactly what I do. But when everyone around me is holding their pregnant bellies or their newborn babies, my brain wins. I start to try again on my own. I begin to plan. And it NEVER works out.

Friday night I went to be with a sweet friend of mine who just had a sweet baby girl. I got to be there with her as she told her birth story and nursed and loved on that precious child. I was able to love on her too. It was awesome. Then I got in my car and the bitterness started sink in. I was so envious of her. I wanted to hold my baby and tell my story. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. Why could I not just be happy for my friend? How could I be so selfish and greedy?

Saturday came. Chris has a friend who lives just outside San Francisco who called to talk baseball smack (Rangers/San Fran in the World Series if you're not a baseball fan). They tried for about 1 1/2 years to get pregnant and had their baby boy in August. Again, filled with envy. Why did she only struggle a year and a half and I have over 3 years of heartbreak under my belt? How come everyone else's time comes before mine? I was SO ugly to be around.

I drove to church Saturday night to work with 2nd grade girls and just cried. I prayed the whole drive that God would take away my sinful attitude and the ugly bitterness in my heart. I prayed that He would make Himself known in this situation and that it would be a praise story that glorified His name. I prayed that He would show me in a very real way that we were in His will. I definitely could not see Him working but I knew that He was. I knew His plan was better than my own and I again was choosing to trust.

Saturday night Chris and I came home and Chris checked the mail. In the mailbox was a card from our old small group leader that we haven't seen in about 6 months with words of encouragement on our adoption and a check to help us get started. Talk about God showing up in a real way. I cried all Sunday morning thinking about how God is using others to bless us to be a blessing to a baby. I can't even wrap my head around the God story this is going to be.

Today at church we talked about how the church needs the city and how the city needs the church. They gave everyone a card to write a name on and to pray three scriptures over so that God would be preparing their heart for whatever it is He had for them. When we got in the car, Chris' eyes filled with tears as he told me he doesn't know the person's name he is praying for because it's the birth mom of our future child. Again, God doing exactly as I prayed, showing up in a real way.

I'm just so encouraged with what God is doing right now. Today we shared our testimony with our small group and met with a couple who adopted 22 years ago where, again, God showed up in a big way. After this weekend, I can just FEEL that He has something so beautiful in store for us. His way, not our own.

And I'm going to add this just in case...if anyone knows someone considering giving their baby up for adoption or is pregnant and considering an abortion, would you PLEASE let me know? Right now we are beginning to go through an agency but would gladly go through a private adoption if one became available. If you hear anything, please consider us.

Let's Go Rangers (clap, clap, clap clap clap)

Last night, Chris and I were able to go to the Ranger's game and watched them beat out the Yankees for the ALCS championship. It was completely INSANE. I'm so excited for the Rangers to go to their first ever World Series. Texas is proud of their boys!

Here's some pictures from last night

It rained on us. Twice. Just thought I'd let you know why my makeup is washed away and I look like a drowned rat :)

Confetti EVERYWHERE

It doesn't get much better than that!

I never did get a good firework picture...I'm too slow!

Every time Alex Rodriguez came up to bat, the crowd chanted "He took steroids" (clap, clap, clap clap clap)

AWESOME NIGHT. Now I leave you with this-DO THE CLAW!

Time for a Break

Just wanted to let everyone know so you didn't think I fell of the face of the earth (although you probably frequently think that due to the fact that my blog is always neglected), I'm taking a little "break". My blog will not suffer tremendously because my postings are so hit or miss but if you're my friend on Facebook, I'm taking a break from there too. Just a lot going on in my little head and being in everyone's business doesn't exactly help it. Thought I would let you know. Be praying for me friends :)

Stalling

Right now I am SUPPOSE to be working on my lesson plans but I'm doing everything I can to get out of it. I've put dinner in the crock pot, watched Julie and Julia, cleaned up, played on Facebook...pretty much everything you can think of BUT lesson plans. It's pretty weird because I'm a major dork and actually enjoy lesson planning but I'm just not in the mood-so I'll blog :)

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day at church. Our pastor made it public in July that he would be moving overseas with his wife and youngest daughter to minister to the people of China. It's always been evident that he had a heart for the people of China but I definitely was not expecting him to MOVE there. The church handled the news very well and waited patiently as the elders prayed and seeked God about the next step for Valley Creek. This weekend, they made the announcement that the associate pastor that we absolutely love will be the new senior pastor. We are thrilled. It makes this transition much smoother since it is a family who already knows and loves the church. We are excited to see the future of VCC.

We started a new small group a few weeks ago. Our old small group stopped meeting so we started shopping around and found a group we really like. The only downside-we're the only ones without kids. Chris shared a small part of our story during prayer on Sunday so people know what is going on but it often feels uncomfortable. We are taking turns sharing our testimonies the next several weeks so we'll be able to let everyone know exactly what our infertility journey has been like and how they can be praying for our future adoption situation. The kids stay at the church while we meet so we don't even see the kiddos but there's definitely a missing piece from me that I can't share with the other women. Finding a small group at our church without kids is nearly impossible. The church is full of young/middle aged couples with kids. I'm trusting that God has put us here for a reason and am excited to have a group praying for our adoption process.

On a COMPLETELY different note, yesterday was a very interesting afternoon. One of my students is Armenian and his church was having ArmenianFest. The little boy was dancing and his mom asked if I would come watch him. Chris and I headed that way after lunch and got there WAY before we expected so we drove down to an area with a bunch of little shops in Carrollton that we've been to a thousand times (near Babe's for you native Texans). When we got there they were having Sante Fe Days. There were a bunch of Native Americans dancing and selling crafts/jewelry. We shopped around a little bit and then headed to ArmenianFest. My little guy danced a traditional Armenian folk dance and it was SO interesting. I'm really hoping his family will come in to my class and share some of their culture with the kids. They would love it! I really loved celebrating all the different cultures. Here's a little picture from Sante Fe Days (taken with my iPhone so the quality is not great).

Happy Monday!

Thankful

First off, I really didn't realize how many people read this until I started getting really vulnerable. I'm excited to know that people are following along our journey, even though this blog is mostly kept for me. I don't even think my family reads it. I originally started it because I wanted to be able to look back at what the Lord had done with our infertility but I never thought I would still be writing about that very thing 3 years later. Now to think we're beginning the adoption process makes it SO crazy. I guess what they say is true, NEVER SAY NEVER. I never thought we'd be looking into adoption and now I can't stop thinking about the wonderful gift adoption is. Anyway...all that's just a side note :)

I was reading through a blog the other day and found something written about infertility. I read it and I hardly felt like I related anymore. I have spent YEARS reading infertility blogs and spilling tears over what others had written because I felt the same way. I've read blogs who had fertility issues and then watched them have children, again with tears falling only this time from envy. But something feels different now. I just feel peace. I feel like I'm in a waiting period but my waiting period actually has an end in sight. The end is just a tiny speck right now because it's so far away but it's definitely there. This thing I read on infertility didn't hurt like it use to. I could COMPLETELY relate but I didn't share that emotion with the writer anymore. I no longer look at myself as INFERTILE. I look at myself as WAITING. Waiting for a selfless birth mom to give us the child that God had always intended to be ours. Waiting to meet a child that was not created BY us but was created FOR us. Waiting to have a sweet family that the Lord planned from the start. Three years ago, He knew the end. He knew how hard my heart would break and exactly how He would mold it into something new. He knew I would become incredibly vulnerable and He would use it for His purpose. He planned this from the start and I'm so thankful He never took His eyes off me. I'm thankful that in the end, we will be in His will. Although this is not anywhere near what I thought my life would look like or how I would become a parent, the Lord always did. For that, I am thankful.

When One Door Closes

It's been a while since I've last blogged. Summer ended, school started, football started, and more. Just makes it almost impossible to keep up with the good ole blog.

I really find it amazing how God can change a heart. Chris and I have been through SO much the past 3 years dealing with infertility. It really can cause a strain on your marriage and every other relationship you have. I pushed myself away from my friends with kids and pregnant women. I just didn't want to be envious and I knew there was no way I could be near them and not be jealous of what they had. Chris and I started out on our journey on the same page and slowly started to feel differently about fertility treatments and options. It's safe to say that my life has been "messy" the past 3 years.

But God is so faithful and good.

Chris and I knew we would have to make a decision in October about whether or not we wanted to go back to the doctor. I knew I didn't. My body and heart have been through way too much and I needed to be done. Chris was not. He wanted to keep trying. He hates seeing me on all this crazy medicine and being completely out of my mind moody but his desire to have his own children was still very strong. I started a new women's Bible study a couple weeks ago and it's from the book of Jonah. Most people are familiar-Jonah in the belly of the whale-but this is getting deep. We're talking about interruptions in our lives (Jonah's interruption being God asking him to go to Ninevah) and how we try to run from them (Jonah traveling to Tarshish and ending up in a big fish belly). The Lord put it SO heavy on my heart that my Ninevah is adoption. I run to infertility treatments (my Tarshish) because it's the complete opposite direction that God wants me to go...just like Jonah. I was a little worried to talk to Chris about it because I knew how he felt about having his own kids. We ended up talking and decided that adoption is definitely the next step in our journey. We filled out our preapplication with an agency and will be going to our first workshop November 12th. We could NOT be happier. I know in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants us to be right now.

We have several prayer requests right now. I'm going to bullet them because I'm a super dork:

• Pray for our hearts to be in the right place. We are very excited right now but ultimately want to hear from God and know this is His will.
• Pray for our finances. Adoption is extremely expensive and we're praying for the Lord to provide in a way only He can.
• Pray for our future baby who is probably not even conceived yet. Pray that God would put a hedge of protection around the birth mom and the baby.
• Pray for the baby's birth mom (and family). The agency we're planning on going through counsels pregnant women to not abort babies. Once moms make that decision, a small percentage choose adoption. Some choose to keep the child. No matter what their decision, they counsel the mothers and teach them the love of Jesus. I'm praying that this adoption will be a TRUE miracle of God-that we will be led to the child God created just for us, that the mother would be led to Christ, and that everyone we interact with is changed by this testimony. We've prayed for a miracle for 3 years not knowing that God could do it in a MUCH BIGGER way than we expected. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

I really can't write about this with out crying. If you would have asked me 1 year ago if I would be interested in adoption I would for sure have said no. Now we could not be more excited about the future. God is truly so good.

Just Sad

Man, this hurts. I really wish I wasn't writing this but here it goes.

Chris and I just had miscarriage number 2 after 3 years of trying. I was 6 weeks.

We did another Clomid/IUI cycle in June and kept it a little more low key. I was devastated the last time it didn't work and didn't want to work myself up by talking about it with a lot of people. I started having some cramping about a week before I was due to take a pregnancy test and thought for sure I was not pregnant. About 2 days before I was due, I randomly took a test and that magic pink line showed up. I was shaking. I could not believe it. I called Chris IMMEDIATELY (he was coaching a baseball game, bad wife move) and he was thrilled. I tried not to get excited because of our previous miscarriage but it was almost impossible. We had blood work done and the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. My next blood draw was not great news. My numbers had gone up but not doubled so they wanted another test. I went back and my numbers started doubling so we scheduled my 7 week sonogram to see the heartbeat and waited. I had real pregnancy symptoms. Last time I miscarried too quickly to really experience pregnancy so I was thrilled to run to the bathroom and pee every 6 seconds. I loved having little moments of nausea because I knew it meant that baby was on the way. Then Tuesday came. I started having some spotting and my doctor's nurse assured me that everything was fine, first trimester bleeding is totally normal. I bed rested Tuesday-Friday. Friday turned to a little heavier bleeding and Saturday the pregnancy ended (in a Flooring America bathroom, no less while buyers were looking at our home. Talk about bad timing). I'm hoping to get into the doctor tomorrow to see if a D & C will be necessary.

I'm hanging in there but I'm so mad myself for getting excited so fast. I really thought this wasn't even a possibility with all the fertility drugs and testing I've been through. I'm really trusting that God had some sort of plan in this. Last time we miscarried, we prayed for God to close the door on IVF and he did. As devastating as the miscarriage was, it was an answer to prayer. This time I see no logical reason. I know God's ways are not our ways, but man, I wish I could know what the plan is so I could stop hurting.

Please be praying for me and Chris. I'm really not wanting to ever be pregnant again because of all this hurt and I'm ready to move on to adoption. Chris is not. He is still wanting and praying for a biological child. This is the first time in this process we have not been on the same page and I hate it. I really, really do not want to get pregnant because I'm deathly afraid of miscarriage and I know I will worry the entire time which is not healthy. Pray for guidance and peace as we work through this situation.

Blog Hop-The Proposal Story

Kelly's Korner is hosting a little blog hop and because I love it so much, I thought I would share my proposal story. :)

Chris and I had been dating for about 3 years and I knew that he was getting ready to propose soon. We had looked at rings together and discussed marriage so I knew it wasn't much longer. Chris had told me to take off for the weekend because his parents were going to be in town for a baseball scrimmage and he was a grad assistant coach. That was clue number 1. His parents had come in town a million times and he never asked me to take off work.

So what do I do, being the blunt, honest person that I am?? Call him out on it!! I asked 2 nights before he proposed if he was going to do it! He, of course, denied it and said he couldn't afford to get me the ring I wanted and if I wanted to settle for less than he wanted to give me...blah, blah, blah! LIAR! HA!

So fast forward to Saturday afternoon. Missouri Baptist was playing a double header scrimmage. Lunch was going to be provided between games and Chris said he needed me to be there for it. After the first game, Chris came up to meet me (which is weird looking back at it, the rest of the team was on the field). The head coach had the mic and said "before we bless the food I would like you all to direct your attention to the score board." Four of the players dropped a bed sheet over it that said "Kristin, will you marry me?"

I looked in front of me and Chris was on one knee with the ring box open. Chris's mom was right next to us snapping pictures the whole time. It was really awesome that his family was there for it and we got some really great pictures too.

I was so excited/nervous that I grabbed the ring out of the box! He told me HE'S suppose to put it on my finger...so I let him :)

I'm SO in love with my ring-I can't even begin to tell you. Chris worked so hard to get me that ring and I absolutely treasure it. My best friend from high school's family owned a jewelry store in St. Louis so we were very fortunate to be able to get each other what they wanted for a relatively great deal.

It was so fun to walk around the rest of the afternoon showing off my bling to a ton of people who saw our special moment take place. I was shaking for the rest of the day so showing it off was a little hard-I had to hold my hand with my other hand so people could look.

The proposal was followed by a 16 month engagement which I would not recommend. It's hard to believe we've been married over four years already!

Clocked Out

I'm soooooo incredibly jealous of Chris right now-his last day of school was Thursday and we still go until NEXT Thursday!!! Geez. Talk about unfair!

Speaking of school, I really am unsure how exactly I'm going to work 4 more days. I ADORE my kiddos and will miss them terribly but my mind is already set on next year. I'm thinking about moving my Kinder stuff back to school, decorating my new room, and coming up with super cute beginning of school ideas. Not to mention my 3rd graders are OUT OF THEIR MINDS CRAZY right now. Things just haven't been the same since the TAKS test. They are clocked out. Doesn't help much that their teacher is too :)

Chris has games today and I'm thinking with the 102 degree temperature, working at school sounds pretty good. That's just a little toasty to be sitting outside for a ball game. I'm going to pack every single thing up so I'm just moving and setting up after the kids leave Thursday. *FINGERS CROSSED*

On a completely random note, I've been obsessed with the Sirius Radio stations on our Dish TV. I listen to 90's on 9 just about every day. Right now Livin La Vida Loca is on...do you even know how much I loved that song? So funny! It's actually an incredibly stupid song but I'm loving the memories!

Coupon Crazy

Can I just tell y'all that I am SO excited?!?! I'll start at the very beginning-

My mom has a client and good friend who is a dedicated coupon shopper. She is always getting good deals. SOMEHOW, she got like a YEAR worth of free Folgers coffee and brings it to my mom weekly because she doesn't drink it. Um...hello!!! I want free coffee! So I decided that with summer quickly approaching and having MUCH more time on my hands, I would give this coupon thing a try. Why not right? So Saturday I sat on the couch, clipping and web surfing, for about an hour or two. I cut nearly every coupon that was in the Sunday paper from last week and searching for manufacturer coupons on products we needed. I don't have a good system in place yet so I just threw all the coupons I knew I was going to use this week in a little plastic baggie and skipped (literally because I was SO excited to save money!) to Kroger. The only things I did not have coupons for that I bought were ingredients for a dessert I made for a party last night, bread, meat, and veggies. Everything else I bought because I had a coupon. I will say it took a little extra time looking for EXACTLY the right brand, product, etc. but it was ultimately worth it. When I finally got up to the register, the lady rang me up and scanned my 50 gazillion coupons, I was practically jumping up and down. I watched my total go from $203.11 to $156.89!! I saved $46.22. Here's how the break down went-$24.89 on manufacturer's coupons, $4.10 on bonus coupon savings (Kroger matches coupons under $.50), and $17.23 from my Kroger card which equals $46.22. It was TOTALLY worth looking like a 90 year old lady rummaging through coupons down every aisle :)

Just to warn you, when you use 25 coupons in one trip, your receipt will look a little like this

I also just want to state that I searched my entire keyboard for a "cents" key (when I wrote $.50) and just realized that it doesn't exist. Is it that way on all computers? What's up with that? I am using our little laptop so maybe it's on bigger, better computers? Just thought that was pretty weird....

Back At It

I've been a VERY bad blogger. Life has gotten crazy and my poor blog has taken the back burner. I'll try to fill you in quickly-

Chris took a summer league team. He's coaching the 12U boys of the North Texas Titans. He was home for about a week without coaching and started getting bored so this will be perfect. Practices twice a week and tournaments on the weekends makes for a nice little summer job. He just can't stay away from baseball!

I am moving BACK to Kindergarten next year. I loved 3rd grade but my heart is with the babies. There's a lot of switching around happening next year so it will be different, and in my opinion, exciting. In the words of Sheryl Crow "I think a change, will do you good." Clever, right??

We have not been back to the fertility specialist but plan to in June. My heart was really broken the last time when the IUI didn't work so I really needed a break. I think I'm ready now. Summer is the best time to do it anyway for 2 reasons-1. my due date would fall PERFECT for a teacher and 2. there's no stress about taking off work, sub planning, etc. I just schedule an appointment and show up! Not to mention my hormones go INSANE so being in the privacy of my own home and not at work is a great thing.

We've been going crazy working on the house and Chris is obsessed with looking at new houses. We bought new couches, had Chris' grandma recover the pillows, a new desk, painted the office, and I got a nice little surprise from Chris on Mother's Day (I know I'm not a mom but I work so hard at TRYING to become one-plus I love Dallas like a baby so I think I deserved it)....A NEW SEWING MACHINE!!!! I can't WAIT to spruce up my curtains and make new ones for the office. I've made 2 pillows for my classroom as a quick-let me get the hang of this-project and I'm absolutely obsessed with my sewing machine. Man, these things have come a long way from 8th grade Home Ec! They're like little computers! I'll get started on a new project here quickly so I can share with the blog world.

I think that's all I've got. I'll try to update y'all again soon-with school coming to an end, hopefully I'll be back to my normal (eh, mediocre) blogger self. :)

This and That

For those of you who did not know, this month's IUI was not successful. I was fine the first few days but it hit me Thursday. I'm unable to do another IUI this month because of TAKS test timing (ridiculous, I know!) and I'm actually very glad. I need a little break. So this month will I'll be focused on having fun and not worrying about a baby.

On a positive note, we bought new couches! When I came home crying my eyes out Thursday because of our failed IUI, Chris suggested we go buy. We've been looking for a little while and knew what we wanted so we went for it. Our previous couches were cream colored microfiber and showed dirt way too easily. We decided it would be best to get something dark for we went for chocolate chenille with lots of pillows. I would post a pic but my camera is at school so it won't be today. Plus I hate the throw pillows. I'm getting them recovered as soon as I find fabric. My friend Courtney and I are looking at fabric Thursday so hopefully I'll find something then.

Tonight I went to yoga and it felt SOOO good. I've been slacking in the gym motivation department (mostly due to all the baby stress) so it was nice to hit it again. It makes me so much more aware of what I'm putting in my body too. I came home and cooked some chicken and green beans...by the way....how good are green beans??? I never cook them because Chris doesn't like them but they are YUMM-O!

1st IUI

You want to see reason #556 that infertility sucks???

(Sorry this is so fuzzy...I took it with my iPhone)

Chris looks a little too excited about stabbing me with that thing...ha! He gave my the HCG trigger shot at 9pm Sunday night and I went in today at 10:45 for the IUI. I have to say it was really interesting. Chris's count was OUTSTANDING so hopefully they find their way to my eggs. Now I'm in the awful 2 week wait before we know anything. PLEASE be praying that this is the one and only time we have to do this!

I also need to say congrats to my husband and the FR Wildcats on their undefeated season in district so far. Last night was a SERIOUS whooping. BAD. Like you pray that it ends soon because you're beyond humiliated for the other team. The Wildcats beat Wichita Falls 23-0. One of the middle school coaches Chris works with sent a text today saying "congrats on your football score last night!" SO TRUE. The Wildcats play Ryan Friday so my fingers are crossed for no rain!

Why Bother Making Plans???

I'm not sure why I tell y'all what is going on with my eggs because it changes CONSTANTLY!! I went to the doctor Saturday to check on my follicles and they had grown about 2 mm in 2 days so they STILL weren't ready. Dr. Haas decided to have us wait until Sunday at 9 pm to get the shot and then do the IUI at 10:45 Tuesday. Chris and I have decided to take the entire day off work to hang out and enjoy each other after the craziness we've been through the past couple off weeks with meds, doctor appointments, etc. I really don't have an "feeling" on this cycle but Chris truly thinks that an IUI is all we've needed this entire time. He says it may not necessarily be this cycle but he thinks we'll get pregnant with an IUI soon. I guess time will tell!

On a separate subject, our sweet dog has MAJOR separation anxiety. She'll sometimes throws up when we leave and other nasty stuff to let us know how much she hates that we leave her. We crate her everytime we leave the house and she's always like her cage and would go hang out in there if we were busy with other things. The past month, everytime I come home there's a big pile of drool at the door of her crate. I thought it was weird so I looked it up and there's a lot of beagles who drool when they're anxious. Then last night, we came home from dinner at a friend's house and she had CHEWED AN ENTIRE METAL BAR OFF and chewed the base of another one so that it was popping off. There were drops of blood in her cage and some on the carpet just in front of it. We looked all over her and couldn't find any cuts on her so it must have been in her mouth. WHAT IN THE WORLD?? We threw out her crate and we're going to try letting her roam the house when we leave. I'm mostly concerned with potty in the house because she's not a chewer (unless it's a metal dog crate apparently) and she mostly sleeps during the day. Hopefully she will hold it like she does in her cage. Her crate was kept in the room that will HOPEFULLY be the nursery one day so I'm hoping that was the Lord's way at getting that room cleaned out to prepare for our miracle IUI baby...HA! That's what I'm praying for!

Growing Follicles

Today I had my ultrasound to check on my follicles with Dr. Haas. The original plan was to look at my follicles, take the Novarel shot, and IUI on Friday or Saturday. That was changed rather quickly once he took a look at my follicles and saw that the two biggest were only 16 mm and 15.5 mm. So instead of going in Saturday for an IUI, I'm going in to look at my follicles again. BUMMER. He doesn't want to do the trigger shot until the follicles are at least at an 18 so hopefully they'll be nice and big on Saturday. The good news is I have two this month that look like they'll release eggs. I'm hoping that because there are two, it will double our chance of it working. Maybe even twin baby Crowders!

I promise other things go on in my life besides just fertility fun but I know that most of you reading want to know what's going on so I'm trying my best to keep you updated. Keep on praying for our miracle baby!

Getting my GRADE on

Can I just say I HATE grading papers?? I remember in elementary school me and some other girls would ask to stay inside at recess to help other teachers grade papers and now that I'm an teacher, I can't stand it. It doesn't help that I let it pile up a little bit before I really start tackling the grading. I spent the entire night parked on my couch gettin my grade on. Who's jealous???

Pray for tomorrow...going in for an ultrasound to look at my eggs. Hopefully there will be several BIG ones ready for an IUI Friday or Saturday!

Tough Night

Man, I am SUPER down tonight. I don't know if it's all the meds/hormones or what but I have been crying most of the night. In the past week, I've found out that two of my friends are pregnant. I'm happy for them...REALLY, REALLY happy for them but my heart hurts. I hear them, I'm excited, and I immediately wonder when or if it ever will be my turn. I know I should be hopeful right now with all the treatment were doing and a FABULOUS doctor who's finding out more and more about why this is going on with us but I'm just burnt out. It probably doesn't help that I'm full of crazy infertility meds and baseball season is in full swing meaning I never see my husband.

I really would love it if you could pray for me. I'm asking for God to take away this desire to have a baby if it's not His will. If the Lord wants me to continue to work at this, I absolutely will but if we are not meant to have children, I pray this desire goes away quickly so I can focus my time/energy/money toward something else.

Alright. My pity party is officially over. The END.

The Latest and the Greatest

So I had my MRI done on Monday and there was no tumor...or it there was it was so tiny the MRI machine didn't pick it up. We went to the doctor Tuesday to start round #2 of treatments. He decided to take me off the Femera and put me back on Clomid and up the dosage to 100mg. I had one large follicle with Femera but we're hoping for several this time. I'll start Estradiol Monday, take it through Wednesday, and have an IUI on Friday or Saturday (depending how my follicles look at my appt Thursday). So that's the new plan of attack.

While we were there, he gave me some updates on my blood work. Turns out, all my hormones are out of whack. My progesterone and estrogen are both low, my prolactin is high, and my thyroid is low enough to effect ovulation. Sometimes I ovulate, sometimes I don't, and when I do, it's a crappy egg. So my chart FINALLY has a diagnosis on the top..."Ovulatory Dysfunction." This sounds completely ridiculous but I'm SOOOOO happy! "Unexplained Infertility" super sucks. With ovulatory dysfunction, it's fixable. So we'll see what happens with this next round. I couldn't be happier with my doctor. He's fabulous!

Today is the last weekday of spring break...boo! I'm trying to talk Chris into letting me be a stay at home dog mom. I don't think it's working =(

Pituitary what????

Let's just start this by saying I hate going to the doctor. I absolutely despise it. I hate the smell, the atmosphere, waiting forever...pretty much everything that goes on there. That's why I know God has a sense of humor. Me, total doctor hater, is going through infertility. I go to the doctor almost weekly now, take medicine, give myself shots (not yet but I had to learn for next month), and blood drawn. UGH.

So today I check my phone during Study Hall duty and I had a missed call from my infertility doctor. Strange. I immediately start freaking out. My friend Beth was in the room and tried reassuring me that it was probably just to reschedule an appointment. Problem was, I didn't have an appointment. Obviously something was not right. After freaking out the last several hours of the school day, I called them back to find out what was going on and to stop myself from going into cardiac arrest. She told me that my blood work came back and my prolactin levels are low. They want to do an MRI to see what is going on with my pituitary gland. This makes me both extremely excited and scared out of my mind. I'm happy because I have been to 3 doctors now and this is the ONLY guy who's checked everything out. This could be a simple fix and then we're on the road to parenthood. I'm petrified of what exactly could be wrong but hopefully this is the missing link to find out exactly why our 28 months of trying for a Baby Crowder have been unsuccessful.

As I've been ending every post these days, please pray. Pray that if something is wrong, they find it and can easily fix it. Pray for my nerves as I have a mild heart attack every day from today until March 9th at 2pm when I have the MRI. Pray for a peace that surpasses understanding from the Lord. I know he has all of this in His mighty hand so pray that I'm reminded that every day. He is good!

Allergies

Meet my new best friend-

I'm only alive and breathing right now because of my sweet sinus rinse bottle. I can't tell if it's allergies or a cold but my nose is CLOGGED. So gross. Because of the infertility treatment, I haven't taken any medicine so I don't interfere whatever it is my body is doing. I'm not sure it would really harm anything at this point but I just assume "better safe than sorry." The sinus rinse really helps me anyway because I have a slight deviated septum so it keeps me from getting a sinus infection which I'm about 96% certain are from the Devil.

Chris had a tournament this weekend and the Freshman did AMAZING! 3-0 BABY! The weather was gorgeous and despite the fact I couldn't breathe through my nose, I loved every minute of it. Bring on baseball season!!

Doctor Update

I went to the doctor on Thursday and had good news...I had a nice big follicle in my right ovary ready to release an egg! The doctor went ahead and gave me a trigger shot and told me and Chris to try naturally for the next 3 days. The Novarel shot didn't hurt but I'm SUPER sore at the injection site today. Hope this works so I don't have to do that again!

After that I had to get blood drawn from the BloodCorp downstairs from the doctor. Let me tell you, I'm a BABY!!! The nurse took 2 tubes and I LITERALLY almost passed out. I'm talking stood up, had to sit back down, and then had to LAY down because the room was spinning. Maybe this is why I'm not getting pregnant...how in the world will I handle child labor if I can't give blood??? Iy ya ya....

Alright y'all, you know the drill....pray, pray, PRAY. I know God has a plan for a baby Crowder and we're hoping that it's now!

You Won't Relent (Seal)

I'm COMPLETELY obsessed with this song right now. What an amazing description of God's love for us.

Awesome, huh??

Time for Treatment #1 (and hopefully ONLY!)

Well...my cycle has begun. I'm going in the next day or two for my first ultrasound (to make sure I'm producing eggs) and I begin Clomid Tuesday. After my round of Clomid, I'll go back in to check on my follicles and have and HCG shot to release the eggs. Chris and I will work hard (wink wink!) the next few days and then go back for a progesterone count in about 3 weeks. Prayer warriors, PLEASE pray! Not knowing why we aren't getting pregnant is SOOOO frustrating and it would be a gift from God for this to work our first try. We have been trying to have a baby for 28 MONTHS and are in need of some good news. Chris and I greatly appreciate the prayers and now that the Lord has a big plan for a future baby Crowder!

*****CORRECTION****** My doctor decided against Clomid and put me on Femera. I've read lots of success stories about Femera-especially loving the fact it doesn't thin the uterine lining like Clomid. Since we have low progesterone (which is what thickens the uterine lining), I really can't afford it to be thin! I go back for a second ultrasound February 25th so pray for BIG follicles/eggs to come!

Helllloooooo!

Honey, where are you? It's 6:50 pm and you're no where to be found....


Wait.....


It's baseball season. Guess I'll see him again in June!

Prayers Needed

Y'all, my heart is just BREAKING tonight. Our church in STL is going through something extremely devastating and there is nothing anyone can do right now but pray.

A woman from the church, with a 9 year old daughter, shot her husband 5 times this morning, reportedly in front of the 9 year old. He is alive but in critical condition. He still has several life threatening wounds so there is no certainty that he will pull through yet.

It's one of those situations that I really don't know who I'm hurting for. I mean obviously, I'm hurting for the poor man as he sits in the hospital but the poor, poor daughter. NINE YEARS OLD people. Her mommy is in jail and her daddy is in critical condition. My biggest concern at 9 years old was whether my mom was going to let me wear shorts to school. I can't imagine having to deal with this.

I really can't stop thinking about what went through the wife's head to think this was a good solution to whatever the problem was. I mean, let's face it, we've all been angry with our spouses. I'll even go so far to say I'd like to slug him one but N E V E R would I even consider shooting him, and I think it's safe to say she was shooting to kill (FIVE gunshots???). And these are not crazy people who had fights every day....these are people who love Jesus. People who know Jesus as their Savior. I'm not saying that when you come to the Lord your problems are wiped away but man, you just don't think of good Christians flying off the handle like that. It hurts my heart to think how quickly someone could fall from walking with the Lord to an incredible act of violence. Like my dad said, we are always just one phone call from our knees. That is so true isn't it?

Will you join me in prayer? Pray for the husband's healing, physically now and mentally as he becomes stable, the wife's heart-that she would realize what she has done to her family and lay herself before the Lord completely broken, asking for forgiveness from her Father, and for the daughter to have the Lord's peace swarming here. Pray that she would learn at the young age of 9 how to lean on Jesus as her Comforter, Provider, and Healer.

Blogging is Hard Work

I hate that I went through a period of time where I REALLY kept up with my blog because now I'm feeling like a total bloggy FAILURE. Oh well. Life happens I guess.

So, here's the latest Crowder news in a nutshell. Chris and I entertained the thought of moving back to STL for a little bit and were shut down by our realtor. Because we've only been in our house for 2 years, we still owe quite a bit and with the economy like it is...let's just say we would lose some serious cash. We were a little disappointed but glad that we now know we'll be in Dallas for at least another year. I still absolutely love Dallas but the thought of being by my family makes my heart very happy. We'll get there, eventually.

The good news about not going to STL is working on baby Crowder! We were not going to go back to the fertility specialist because of insurance switches/drama if we moved while preggo. Now that it's out of the plans, we're going to go for it. We plan on starting our next treatment as soon as I begin my next cycle (likely in 2 weeks or so). Our doctor plans on me going back on Clomid, doing a trigger shot to ovulate, Chris and I trying naturally, and some progesterone therapy to sustain a pregnancy if everything works out. I'm SUPER happy with this plan. Our last doctor wanted us to immediately move to some pretty serious injections (I'm talking Jon and Kate plus 8....minus one total tool now) without trying anything else first. YIKES! Taking it slow is definitely how I would prefer it. Please be praying for some good news to come soon!

Other than that, things are same old, same old. Chris and I have been hitting the gym pretty hard and trying to eat right. This is the longest I've held the "get healthy" resolution so I'm pretty proud of us. I'm reading Jillian Michaels' "Mastering Your Metabolism" which is pretty dang interesting and scary to think about. I'll keep you updated on how it's going....ok....who am I kidding. I'll blog again in about a month and a half...HA!

A New Year

Time is so weird. How is it that sometimes life goes by so slow and other times it just flies by? How is it that I'm watching bowl games with my husband and I am SEVERAL years older than any player on the field? Or watching the Real World (I know it's stupid but it's my thing, let it go) and they're all 21 and 22? I was just that age!!! Now it's 2010, I'm an adult, I have a house, a husband, a dog...what in the world???

I thought I would give a brief run down on the joy and sadness 2009 has brought us.

January-Happy 2009! Chris was crazy coaching basketball and anxiously awaiting baseball season to begin. I finished my 3rd and final round of Clomid and found out we were, once again, not pregnant.

February-Baseball season was in full swing (no pun intended) and I spent many days/nights sitting in the freezing cold supporting my hubby. We went to an infertility specialist and decided to do IVF in the summer. We had all our friends and family pray that God would close a door on IVF if that was not His will.

March-We became pregnant and miscarried. A very sad time in our lives but a blessing that God closed the door on IVF. We decide to book VACATIONS and enjoy each other.

April-I spent a lot of time checking out my husband's backside at baseball games. His freshman team was PHENOMENAL. I was definitely a proud coach's wife. =)

May-Chopped off all my hair for Ponytail Kids Club. 8 crazy inches. Swine Flu craze his Lewisville ISD. We closed for a week and didn't have to make it up. That was amazing and will probably never happen again. Chris got smoked in the head with a baseball. Luckily, he was fine.

June-School's out for summer! Traveled all around having a blast together. San Francisco, a marriage retreat, and Florida all in the month of June.

July-Visit the family in St. Louis. Watch SYTYCD until my husband wants to throw the TV away. Sleep until 10. Live it up teacher style!

August-I get a year older. Find out I'm going to teach third grade instead of Kindergarten. Set up a new classroom in a week.

September-We start getting involved at the new church. Make new friends and join a small group. Chris gets a year older. Find out I love 3rd grade!

October-Had fun with trick or treaters in our neighborhood...that may be my favorite thing about being a home owner! Football season is tiring but oh so much fun. The high school is AMAZING this year!

November-Middle school football ends. I start to notice this guy sleeping in my bed. He said he was my husband but I forgot I had one from all the football games. My parents traveled south for Thanksgiving. We hosted both sides of the family for the second ever Crowder Thanksgiving. I cook one MEAN turkey y'all.

December-Playoffs for football. Guyer lost to the same team they lost to last year in the semi finals. Had a CRAZY GOOD season. Traveled to STL for Christmas. Enjoyed my family so much it's disgusting. Crazy organized our house thanks to my new found love, Dymo Labelmaker.

2010...what do you have in store for the Crowder's? We can hardly wait to find out!

Sorry if there's a thousand and one grammar/spelling errors. I did not read back through this because it took WAAAAYYY longer than I wanted to spend on the computer. Night y'all!