Friday, November 5, 2010

Something Beautiful

Every morning on the way to school, I talk to my mom on the phone. We usually just chat about what we are doing that day or what happened the day before and my morning commute is just not the same without talking to her. Monday through Wednesday this week, she took a little "mini vacation" to the Lake of the Ozarks with my dad for her birthday. Although it was weird not talking to her, I took advantage of spending a few minutes with God each of those days while I drove. On Wednesday, I turned on the Christian radio station and a song that I heard a million times came on that touched me in a completely different way now that my mindset on adoption has changed. Here are the lyrics:

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful
To touch me,
I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
Waiting for
Something Beautiful
As I drove to work, tears filled my eyes. The Lord really used this song to work in me. During our entire infertility journey, I prayed consistently to get pregnant. I told God what I thought He needed to do for me. I wasn't asking Him to consume me-I was telling Him what to do. You would think it would take me less than three years to figure it out but I guess I have the tendency to be a little stubborn. :)
It's amazing what He can do to your heart when you become vulnerable and let Him.
I guess within the last few months I stopped praying to get pregnant. I stopped telling God what I wanted Him to do. I stopped praying and praying and praying and started listening. I allowed myself to open my heart to Him and not be bitter and angry. I knelt before Him and told Him I was ready for His will. No longer would I be like Jonah and run from His calling. When I started listening to His call instead of telling Him what His call needed to be, it was way more beautiful than what I was asking Him to do. He's using this area of heartbreak and turning it into something beautiful. He's taking an unfortunate situation from a birth mom and turning it into the most beautiful gift we could imagine. He's taking average people and using them to bless us in a way that is more beautiful than I can describe. I just want something beautiful.
Please continue to be in prayer for us as we prepare for our workshop next Friday. We are very excited but we don't want our emotions to get in the way of important information that we will be receiving. Pray we keep our joy throughout this process and hear from the Lord before each step we take.
Here's the song if you're interested:

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