Let me just say confirmation is a beautiful thing.
The past couple of weeks have been trying. My brain is in a constant battle with my heart on how this whole adoption process will play out. I am SUCH a planner and not knowing the who's or what's is so difficult for me. My brain keeps telling me to just continue trying to conceive. It's natural, FREE (Lord knows I would love for this process to be free right about now!), and is how most couples go about starting their families. It just makes sense. My heart is telling me to seek God. To lean not on my own understanding. To line my will up with His. And you know what? When things are going good, that's exactly what I do. But when everyone around me is holding their pregnant bellies or their newborn babies, my brain wins. I start to try again on my own. I begin to plan. And it NEVER works out.
Friday night I went to be with a sweet friend of mine who just had a sweet baby girl. I got to be there with her as she told her birth story and nursed and loved on that precious child. I was able to love on her too. It was awesome. Then I got in my car and the bitterness started sink in. I was so envious of her. I wanted to hold my baby and tell my story. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. Why could I not just be happy for my friend? How could I be so selfish and greedy?
Saturday came. Chris has a friend who lives just outside San Francisco who called to talk baseball smack (Rangers/San Fran in the World Series if you're not a baseball fan). They tried for about 1 1/2 years to get pregnant and had their baby boy in August. Again, filled with envy. Why did she only struggle a year and a half and I have over 3 years of heartbreak under my belt? How come everyone else's time comes before mine? I was SO ugly to be around.
I drove to church Saturday night to work with 2nd grade girls and just cried. I prayed the whole drive that God would take away my sinful attitude and the ugly bitterness in my heart. I prayed that He would make Himself known in this situation and that it would be a praise story that glorified His name. I prayed that He would show me in a very real way that we were in His will. I definitely could not see Him working but I knew that He was. I knew His plan was better than my own and I again was choosing to trust.
Saturday night Chris and I came home and Chris checked the mail. In the mailbox was a card from our old small group leader that we haven't seen in about 6 months with words of encouragement on our adoption and a check to help us get started. Talk about God showing up in a real way. I cried all Sunday morning thinking about how God is using others to bless us to be a blessing to a baby. I can't even wrap my head around the God story this is going to be.
Today at church we talked about how the church needs the city and how the city needs the church. They gave everyone a card to write a name on and to pray three scriptures over so that God would be preparing their heart for whatever it is He had for them. When we got in the car, Chris' eyes filled with tears as he told me he doesn't know the person's name he is praying for because it's the birth mom of our future child. Again, God doing exactly as I prayed, showing up in a real way.
I'm just so encouraged with what God is doing right now. Today we shared our testimony with our small group and met with a couple who adopted 22 years ago where, again, God showed up in a big way. After this weekend, I can just FEEL that He has something so beautiful in store for us. His way, not our own.
And I'm going to add this just in case...if anyone knows someone considering giving their baby up for adoption or is pregnant and considering an abortion, would you PLEASE let me know? Right now we are beginning to go through an agency but would gladly go through a private adoption if one became available. If you hear anything, please consider us.