Sunday, July 25, 2010

Just Sad

Man, this hurts. I really wish I wasn't writing this but here it goes.

Chris and I just had miscarriage number 2 after 3 years of trying. I was 6 weeks.

We did another Clomid/IUI cycle in June and kept it a little more low key. I was devastated the last time it didn't work and didn't want to work myself up by talking about it with a lot of people. I started having some cramping about a week before I was due to take a pregnancy test and thought for sure I was not pregnant. About 2 days before I was due, I randomly took a test and that magic pink line showed up. I was shaking. I could not believe it. I called Chris IMMEDIATELY (he was coaching a baseball game, bad wife move) and he was thrilled. I tried not to get excited because of our previous miscarriage but it was almost impossible. We had blood work done and the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. My next blood draw was not great news. My numbers had gone up but not doubled so they wanted another test. I went back and my numbers started doubling so we scheduled my 7 week sonogram to see the heartbeat and waited. I had real pregnancy symptoms. Last time I miscarried too quickly to really experience pregnancy so I was thrilled to run to the bathroom and pee every 6 seconds. I loved having little moments of nausea because I knew it meant that baby was on the way. Then Tuesday came. I started having some spotting and my doctor's nurse assured me that everything was fine, first trimester bleeding is totally normal. I bed rested Tuesday-Friday. Friday turned to a little heavier bleeding and Saturday the pregnancy ended (in a Flooring America bathroom, no less while buyers were looking at our home. Talk about bad timing). I'm hoping to get into the doctor tomorrow to see if a D & C will be necessary.

I'm hanging in there but I'm so mad myself for getting excited so fast. I really thought this wasn't even a possibility with all the fertility drugs and testing I've been through. I'm really trusting that God had some sort of plan in this. Last time we miscarried, we prayed for God to close the door on IVF and he did. As devastating as the miscarriage was, it was an answer to prayer. This time I see no logical reason. I know God's ways are not our ways, but man, I wish I could know what the plan is so I could stop hurting.

Please be praying for me and Chris. I'm really not wanting to ever be pregnant again because of all this hurt and I'm ready to move on to adoption. Chris is not. He is still wanting and praying for a biological child. This is the first time in this process we have not been on the same page and I hate it. I really, really do not want to get pregnant because I'm deathly afraid of miscarriage and I know I will worry the entire time which is not healthy. Pray for guidance and peace as we work through this situation.


Channa said...

I am so sorry! I can not even begin to imagine how hard this is for y'all!
I know several people who had multiple miscarriages, one woman I know had 12, and then one day they all got pregnant just like as if nothing had ever gone wrong. I also know several who couldn't get pregnant and started adoption, adopted and then magically got pregnant. God's timing is never about our understanding but I know that doesn't help right now! You guys are in our prayers!!

Cindy said...

Kristin I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are hurting and confused right now, and I wish I could help you and take all that pain away. I know there has to be a reason for all of this, but I really don't know what it could be. Please know that you and Chris are in our thoughts and prayers.

misty w. said...

Oh man. I'm sorry. Hurting for you and feel your pain. There really are no other words. Lifting you to the Father now.

We Are the Lucky Ones said...

so sorry to hear this.

~SHO~ said...

I'm so sorry. I'm also a coaches wife who had fertility probs. We now have a little miracle girl, so don't give up. God is good and the best is yet to come!
We have some friends who just adopted and it has been AMAZING to see them become parents. Whatever route you decide upon, you will be blessed. Hang in there!

I'm Emily! said...

I am so sorry Kristin. I know that God does have a plan for you and Chris, but that still doesn't take away the hurt and pain you are going through. You guys are always in my prayers and will stay there. I hope that I can help you in anyway you need - please let me know.