Tuesday, October 13, 2009

2 years of infertility

I was reminded quite a bit this past weekend about us still not being pregnant. I very rarely check my email at home but I checked it randomly on Sunday morning. Apparently I signed up when I found out I was pregnant on some website that tells you what's going on with the baby/your body and received an email from them. The email title was "Today you're 32 weeks." I lost it. I would be having showers, the nursery would be set up, I would know the sex. I have done SO well at giving that to God but I feel like grabbing it back now, ya know?

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for as long as we have (did I mention this month is our 2 year anniversary of trying?). She is 35 and getting very impatient. This month they did IVF and found out this weekend that she is pregnant (not blood test confirmed yet but positives on 5 HPTs). I was SO happy for her I cried. I've never been so happy for another person in my life. Then the bitterness and greed set in. I now have no one on this journey with me. I HATE being that way because she is my friend and I'm SO happy for her but I want it so badly for myself. The longer I struggle with infertility, the more I see my sinful nature.

After the kids left today, I put my ipod on. A song came on and IMMEDIATELY sent me into tears. It's exactly how I feel about my sinful nature and why God allows us to go through these things. I thought I would post it...maybe it will help you where you are at too.

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light


Kylee said...

I am so sorry about this. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I will pray so hard for you and your hubby. Hang in there girl!

misty w. said...

You're not alone...hang in there, girlie...Trust Him. I know you do.
This month marks 3 years for us. Uggghhhh. I feel your pain.

Lindsey Jones said...

I just want to let you know how much I love you, Kristen Crowder.