Confirmation is a Beautiful Thing

I know I already told you here that we have decided to pursue adoption. The adoption journey is a long one and I just want to keep up to date on what is happening with that decision.

Let me just say confirmation is a beautiful thing.

The past couple of weeks have been trying. My brain is in a constant battle with my heart on how this whole adoption process will play out. I am SUCH a planner and not knowing the who's or what's is so difficult for me. My brain keeps telling me to just continue trying to conceive. It's natural, FREE (Lord knows I would love for this process to be free right about now!), and is how most couples go about starting their families. It just makes sense. My heart is telling me to seek God. To lean not on my own understanding. To line my will up with His. And you know what? When things are going good, that's exactly what I do. But when everyone around me is holding their pregnant bellies or their newborn babies, my brain wins. I start to try again on my own. I begin to plan. And it NEVER works out.

Friday night I went to be with a sweet friend of mine who just had a sweet baby girl. I got to be there with her as she told her birth story and nursed and loved on that precious child. I was able to love on her too. It was awesome. Then I got in my car and the bitterness started sink in. I was so envious of her. I wanted to hold my baby and tell my story. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. Why could I not just be happy for my friend? How could I be so selfish and greedy?

Saturday came. Chris has a friend who lives just outside San Francisco who called to talk baseball smack (Rangers/San Fran in the World Series if you're not a baseball fan). They tried for about 1 1/2 years to get pregnant and had their baby boy in August. Again, filled with envy. Why did she only struggle a year and a half and I have over 3 years of heartbreak under my belt? How come everyone else's time comes before mine? I was SO ugly to be around.

I drove to church Saturday night to work with 2nd grade girls and just cried. I prayed the whole drive that God would take away my sinful attitude and the ugly bitterness in my heart. I prayed that He would make Himself known in this situation and that it would be a praise story that glorified His name. I prayed that He would show me in a very real way that we were in His will. I definitely could not see Him working but I knew that He was. I knew His plan was better than my own and I again was choosing to trust.

Saturday night Chris and I came home and Chris checked the mail. In the mailbox was a card from our old small group leader that we haven't seen in about 6 months with words of encouragement on our adoption and a check to help us get started. Talk about God showing up in a real way. I cried all Sunday morning thinking about how God is using others to bless us to be a blessing to a baby. I can't even wrap my head around the God story this is going to be.

Today at church we talked about how the church needs the city and how the city needs the church. They gave everyone a card to write a name on and to pray three scriptures over so that God would be preparing their heart for whatever it is He had for them. When we got in the car, Chris' eyes filled with tears as he told me he doesn't know the person's name he is praying for because it's the birth mom of our future child. Again, God doing exactly as I prayed, showing up in a real way.

I'm just so encouraged with what God is doing right now. Today we shared our testimony with our small group and met with a couple who adopted 22 years ago where, again, God showed up in a big way. After this weekend, I can just FEEL that He has something so beautiful in store for us. His way, not our own.

And I'm going to add this just in case...if anyone knows someone considering giving their baby up for adoption or is pregnant and considering an abortion, would you PLEASE let me know? Right now we are beginning to go through an agency but would gladly go through a private adoption if one became available. If you hear anything, please consider us.

Let's Go Rangers (clap, clap, clap clap clap)

Last night, Chris and I were able to go to the Ranger's game and watched them beat out the Yankees for the ALCS championship. It was completely INSANE. I'm so excited for the Rangers to go to their first ever World Series. Texas is proud of their boys!

Here's some pictures from last night

It rained on us. Twice. Just thought I'd let you know why my makeup is washed away and I look like a drowned rat :)

Confetti EVERYWHERE

It doesn't get much better than that!

I never did get a good firework picture...I'm too slow!

Every time Alex Rodriguez came up to bat, the crowd chanted "He took steroids" (clap, clap, clap clap clap)

AWESOME NIGHT. Now I leave you with this-DO THE CLAW!

Time for a Break

Just wanted to let everyone know so you didn't think I fell of the face of the earth (although you probably frequently think that due to the fact that my blog is always neglected), I'm taking a little "break". My blog will not suffer tremendously because my postings are so hit or miss but if you're my friend on Facebook, I'm taking a break from there too. Just a lot going on in my little head and being in everyone's business doesn't exactly help it. Thought I would let you know. Be praying for me friends :)

Stalling

Right now I am SUPPOSE to be working on my lesson plans but I'm doing everything I can to get out of it. I've put dinner in the crock pot, watched Julie and Julia, cleaned up, played on Facebook...pretty much everything you can think of BUT lesson plans. It's pretty weird because I'm a major dork and actually enjoy lesson planning but I'm just not in the mood-so I'll blog :)

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day at church. Our pastor made it public in July that he would be moving overseas with his wife and youngest daughter to minister to the people of China. It's always been evident that he had a heart for the people of China but I definitely was not expecting him to MOVE there. The church handled the news very well and waited patiently as the elders prayed and seeked God about the next step for Valley Creek. This weekend, they made the announcement that the associate pastor that we absolutely love will be the new senior pastor. We are thrilled. It makes this transition much smoother since it is a family who already knows and loves the church. We are excited to see the future of VCC.

We started a new small group a few weeks ago. Our old small group stopped meeting so we started shopping around and found a group we really like. The only downside-we're the only ones without kids. Chris shared a small part of our story during prayer on Sunday so people know what is going on but it often feels uncomfortable. We are taking turns sharing our testimonies the next several weeks so we'll be able to let everyone know exactly what our infertility journey has been like and how they can be praying for our future adoption situation. The kids stay at the church while we meet so we don't even see the kiddos but there's definitely a missing piece from me that I can't share with the other women. Finding a small group at our church without kids is nearly impossible. The church is full of young/middle aged couples with kids. I'm trusting that God has put us here for a reason and am excited to have a group praying for our adoption process.

On a COMPLETELY different note, yesterday was a very interesting afternoon. One of my students is Armenian and his church was having ArmenianFest. The little boy was dancing and his mom asked if I would come watch him. Chris and I headed that way after lunch and got there WAY before we expected so we drove down to an area with a bunch of little shops in Carrollton that we've been to a thousand times (near Babe's for you native Texans). When we got there they were having Sante Fe Days. There were a bunch of Native Americans dancing and selling crafts/jewelry. We shopped around a little bit and then headed to ArmenianFest. My little guy danced a traditional Armenian folk dance and it was SO interesting. I'm really hoping his family will come in to my class and share some of their culture with the kids. They would love it! I really loved celebrating all the different cultures. Here's a little picture from Sante Fe Days (taken with my iPhone so the quality is not great).

Happy Monday!

Thankful

First off, I really didn't realize how many people read this until I started getting really vulnerable. I'm excited to know that people are following along our journey, even though this blog is mostly kept for me. I don't even think my family reads it. I originally started it because I wanted to be able to look back at what the Lord had done with our infertility but I never thought I would still be writing about that very thing 3 years later. Now to think we're beginning the adoption process makes it SO crazy. I guess what they say is true, NEVER SAY NEVER. I never thought we'd be looking into adoption and now I can't stop thinking about the wonderful gift adoption is. Anyway...all that's just a side note :)

I was reading through a blog the other day and found something written about infertility. I read it and I hardly felt like I related anymore. I have spent YEARS reading infertility blogs and spilling tears over what others had written because I felt the same way. I've read blogs who had fertility issues and then watched them have children, again with tears falling only this time from envy. But something feels different now. I just feel peace. I feel like I'm in a waiting period but my waiting period actually has an end in sight. The end is just a tiny speck right now because it's so far away but it's definitely there. This thing I read on infertility didn't hurt like it use to. I could COMPLETELY relate but I didn't share that emotion with the writer anymore. I no longer look at myself as INFERTILE. I look at myself as WAITING. Waiting for a selfless birth mom to give us the child that God had always intended to be ours. Waiting to meet a child that was not created BY us but was created FOR us. Waiting to have a sweet family that the Lord planned from the start. Three years ago, He knew the end. He knew how hard my heart would break and exactly how He would mold it into something new. He knew I would become incredibly vulnerable and He would use it for His purpose. He planned this from the start and I'm so thankful He never took His eyes off me. I'm thankful that in the end, we will be in His will. Although this is not anywhere near what I thought my life would look like or how I would become a parent, the Lord always did. For that, I am thankful.

When One Door Closes

It's been a while since I've last blogged. Summer ended, school started, football started, and more. Just makes it almost impossible to keep up with the good ole blog.

I really find it amazing how God can change a heart. Chris and I have been through SO much the past 3 years dealing with infertility. It really can cause a strain on your marriage and every other relationship you have. I pushed myself away from my friends with kids and pregnant women. I just didn't want to be envious and I knew there was no way I could be near them and not be jealous of what they had. Chris and I started out on our journey on the same page and slowly started to feel differently about fertility treatments and options. It's safe to say that my life has been "messy" the past 3 years.

But God is so faithful and good.

Chris and I knew we would have to make a decision in October about whether or not we wanted to go back to the doctor. I knew I didn't. My body and heart have been through way too much and I needed to be done. Chris was not. He wanted to keep trying. He hates seeing me on all this crazy medicine and being completely out of my mind moody but his desire to have his own children was still very strong. I started a new women's Bible study a couple weeks ago and it's from the book of Jonah. Most people are familiar-Jonah in the belly of the whale-but this is getting deep. We're talking about interruptions in our lives (Jonah's interruption being God asking him to go to Ninevah) and how we try to run from them (Jonah traveling to Tarshish and ending up in a big fish belly). The Lord put it SO heavy on my heart that my Ninevah is adoption. I run to infertility treatments (my Tarshish) because it's the complete opposite direction that God wants me to go...just like Jonah. I was a little worried to talk to Chris about it because I knew how he felt about having his own kids. We ended up talking and decided that adoption is definitely the next step in our journey. We filled out our preapplication with an agency and will be going to our first workshop November 12th. We could NOT be happier. I know in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants us to be right now.

We have several prayer requests right now. I'm going to bullet them because I'm a super dork:

• Pray for our hearts to be in the right place. We are very excited right now but ultimately want to hear from God and know this is His will.
• Pray for our finances. Adoption is extremely expensive and we're praying for the Lord to provide in a way only He can.
• Pray for our future baby who is probably not even conceived yet. Pray that God would put a hedge of protection around the birth mom and the baby.
• Pray for the baby's birth mom (and family). The agency we're planning on going through counsels pregnant women to not abort babies. Once moms make that decision, a small percentage choose adoption. Some choose to keep the child. No matter what their decision, they counsel the mothers and teach them the love of Jesus. I'm praying that this adoption will be a TRUE miracle of God-that we will be led to the child God created just for us, that the mother would be led to Christ, and that everyone we interact with is changed by this testimony. We've prayed for a miracle for 3 years not knowing that God could do it in a MUCH BIGGER way than we expected. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

I really can't write about this with out crying. If you would have asked me 1 year ago if I would be interested in adoption I would for sure have said no. Now we could not be more excited about the future. God is truly so good.

Just Sad

Man, this hurts. I really wish I wasn't writing this but here it goes.

Chris and I just had miscarriage number 2 after 3 years of trying. I was 6 weeks.

We did another Clomid/IUI cycle in June and kept it a little more low key. I was devastated the last time it didn't work and didn't want to work myself up by talking about it with a lot of people. I started having some cramping about a week before I was due to take a pregnancy test and thought for sure I was not pregnant. About 2 days before I was due, I randomly took a test and that magic pink line showed up. I was shaking. I could not believe it. I called Chris IMMEDIATELY (he was coaching a baseball game, bad wife move) and he was thrilled. I tried not to get excited because of our previous miscarriage but it was almost impossible. We had blood work done and the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. My next blood draw was not great news. My numbers had gone up but not doubled so they wanted another test. I went back and my numbers started doubling so we scheduled my 7 week sonogram to see the heartbeat and waited. I had real pregnancy symptoms. Last time I miscarried too quickly to really experience pregnancy so I was thrilled to run to the bathroom and pee every 6 seconds. I loved having little moments of nausea because I knew it meant that baby was on the way. Then Tuesday came. I started having some spotting and my doctor's nurse assured me that everything was fine, first trimester bleeding is totally normal. I bed rested Tuesday-Friday. Friday turned to a little heavier bleeding and Saturday the pregnancy ended (in a Flooring America bathroom, no less while buyers were looking at our home. Talk about bad timing). I'm hoping to get into the doctor tomorrow to see if a D & C will be necessary.

I'm hanging in there but I'm so mad myself for getting excited so fast. I really thought this wasn't even a possibility with all the fertility drugs and testing I've been through. I'm really trusting that God had some sort of plan in this. Last time we miscarried, we prayed for God to close the door on IVF and he did. As devastating as the miscarriage was, it was an answer to prayer. This time I see no logical reason. I know God's ways are not our ways, but man, I wish I could know what the plan is so I could stop hurting.

Please be praying for me and Chris. I'm really not wanting to ever be pregnant again because of all this hurt and I'm ready to move on to adoption. Chris is not. He is still wanting and praying for a biological child. This is the first time in this process we have not been on the same page and I hate it. I really, really do not want to get pregnant because I'm deathly afraid of miscarriage and I know I will worry the entire time which is not healthy. Pray for guidance and peace as we work through this situation.