He Is In Every. Single. Detail.

I'm seriously so excited about my blog right now. God is BEYOND good. When I first started this blog, it was mostly to write down about us trying to start a family. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in my life or if anyone would ever read it. Now I'm hearing from people experiencing infertility who are just happy to read about someone else dealing with what they're dealing with. I hear from people who want to help us with fundraising and finding babies. It's so awesome to hear from some who are experiencing some sort of emotion from reading and I pray that emotion is them feeling God's presence from our faith. That is my biggest prayer for this journey. That we would be such a testimony of God's unfailing love EVEN in our struggle. That people would see our faith and learn to trust Him with whatever their situation is. We've quickly learned that we can't do one. single. bit of this on our own.

This week has been CRAZY. My mom, sister, and tons of others have been posting my blog on Facebook. Right now we intend to pursue an agency but we know that there are often private adoption opportunities and we want to get the word out that we are looking for an adoption plan. My mom posted my blog and a client of hers read it. She is in a group through a hospital with a pregnant girl in it looking to make an adoption plan. My mom's client talked to her and she was willing to talk to us. I got her number Tuesday and was told to call her sometime after 6.

Are you ready to see God show up BIG TIME?

A pastor's wife and I led the preschool VBS worship this summer. Our church is pretty big so I really haven't seen her since then. I talked to her when I miscarried back in July and that was really the last we have spoken. Tuesday she calls me. She wanted to ask me about a Mary Kay event and that for some reason, the Lord had put me really heavy on her heart and she just wanted to see what was going on. I called her back after work and told her I knew exactly why I was on her heart-we were choosing to adopt. She started crying. Immediately she starts spouting off women at our church who have/are adopting that I could talk to. One woman really could use a friend that did not have children at this time (trust me, I know that feeling SO well) and another was adopting her baby next week. I ended the phone conversation amazed that God would put me on some one's heart who does not even know our situation.

It gets better.

Five minutes later, the girl who is adopting next week calls me. I have NEVER met her before or really know who she is. Here's her situation: adopting a baby privately through a family friend situation in another state. Here's our situation: have a private adoption opportunity through a family friend situation in another state. Hellllloooo! I couldn't make that up! God is SOOOOO good to provide EXACTLY what we needed the exact day that we needed it. I'm crying writing it. I don't know what will happen with this situation with us but I do know that I needed to hear from someone in this situation to know exactly what to discuss with the birth mom, what to look for, what to look out for, etc. The Lord put us on ONE woman's heart to connect us with ANOTHER woman who is experiencing the EXACT SAME SITUATION as us. It makes me so excited to know that He is present in EVERY step of this situation. I'm trusting that He is going to provide exactly what we need exactly when we need it. Seriously. So faithful.

Yesterday we went to our adoption workshop at the agency and learned so much. It was awesome to be in the same room with so many couples in the same situation as us. Almost everyone was dealing with some sort of previous infertility troubles, all of us were scared out of our little minds, and we all were excited to watch God's plan for us unfold. I love that this agency is so Christ focused and that all the counseling that Chris and I OR the birth family gets is Christ centered.

One last little thought: I am just so impressed with women who decide to make an adoption plan. Seriously...how SELFLESS? The Bible has so many examples of adoption (Jesus was "adopted" by Joseph, Moses, US as adoptive children of Christ) and I'm so impressed with anyone who can make that decision. In a world where abortion is SO easy (take a pill and you can have an abortion), birth parents are EXTREMELY brave. I just appreciate anyone who can make that tough decision to give a gift to someone. I can't wait to meet our birth family and Chris and I pray hard every day not just for our baby, but for our birth family. Our hearts will be forever grateful for their brave, selfless decision.

Provision Follows Obedience

Do you know what I love? When you're in church and just know that God prepared the message just for you. I know that sounds a little self centered when you go to a church of 3,000+ people but I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me.

I won't go through every single detail of the sermon (you'll just have to come to Valley Creek Church if you want to hear it :)) but it was gooood. One of the things Pastor John said that spoke directly to me was "Provision follow obedience, miracles follow faith". EXACTLY what is happening in my life right now. The second Chris and I said "okay, God. We'll do this adoption thing you are calling us to do. We have not one single clue what we're doing so please, please guide us", He's done exactly that.

Friday I let my focus get off the miracle that He is doing in this and my mind started to fill with fear. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if no one chooses us? What if it takes YEARS? How do we afford this PLUS all the things we'll need for a new baby? Is it tacky to do a fundraiser or ask people if they are interested in donating? Will the baby feel connected to us? And on and on and on. I seriously could make myself sick with worries. I know very few people who have adopted domestically and I'm unsure of exactly how this is all suppose to play out.

Today, our pastor talked about not needing to know what things are going to look like in the end. God is leading us one step at a time. It may not make sense at the time or we may not be able to see what the end looks like, just put one foot in front of the other with HIS directions. I'm praying that no matter how long or short this process may be, that we would be sensitive to His leading.

Saturday afternoon, Chris went out to get the mail. A letter came from a couple who go to our old church in St. Louis and who are good friends with my parents. They too went through a terrible battle with infertility and went on to have a sweet baby girl through the miracle of IVF. They know exactly what we are going through and have felt God's call to adopt. Inside the letter was a check to help us with the costs of the adoption process. Chris and I read the letter together and just cried. We stood in the middle of our kitchen with tears streaming down our face and thanked God for his goodness and provision in this situation. Provision follows obedience, miracles follow faith.

Continue to pray for us as we follow His steps. Pray for our future baby. If he/she is in utero right now, please pray for protection. Pray for his/her birth mom to know when they find us that we are the right fit for her child. Pray that God would continue to provide. So excited to see the "only God" story this is going to be!

Confirmation is a Beautiful Thing

I know I already told you here that we have decided to pursue adoption. The adoption journey is a long one and I just want to keep up to date on what is happening with that decision.

Let me just say confirmation is a beautiful thing.

The past couple of weeks have been trying. My brain is in a constant battle with my heart on how this whole adoption process will play out. I am SUCH a planner and not knowing the who's or what's is so difficult for me. My brain keeps telling me to just continue trying to conceive. It's natural, FREE (Lord knows I would love for this process to be free right about now!), and is how most couples go about starting their families. It just makes sense. My heart is telling me to seek God. To lean not on my own understanding. To line my will up with His. And you know what? When things are going good, that's exactly what I do. But when everyone around me is holding their pregnant bellies or their newborn babies, my brain wins. I start to try again on my own. I begin to plan. And it NEVER works out.

Friday night I went to be with a sweet friend of mine who just had a sweet baby girl. I got to be there with her as she told her birth story and nursed and loved on that precious child. I was able to love on her too. It was awesome. Then I got in my car and the bitterness started sink in. I was so envious of her. I wanted to hold my baby and tell my story. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. Why could I not just be happy for my friend? How could I be so selfish and greedy?

Saturday came. Chris has a friend who lives just outside San Francisco who called to talk baseball smack (Rangers/San Fran in the World Series if you're not a baseball fan). They tried for about 1 1/2 years to get pregnant and had their baby boy in August. Again, filled with envy. Why did she only struggle a year and a half and I have over 3 years of heartbreak under my belt? How come everyone else's time comes before mine? I was SO ugly to be around.

I drove to church Saturday night to work with 2nd grade girls and just cried. I prayed the whole drive that God would take away my sinful attitude and the ugly bitterness in my heart. I prayed that He would make Himself known in this situation and that it would be a praise story that glorified His name. I prayed that He would show me in a very real way that we were in His will. I definitely could not see Him working but I knew that He was. I knew His plan was better than my own and I again was choosing to trust.

Saturday night Chris and I came home and Chris checked the mail. In the mailbox was a card from our old small group leader that we haven't seen in about 6 months with words of encouragement on our adoption and a check to help us get started. Talk about God showing up in a real way. I cried all Sunday morning thinking about how God is using others to bless us to be a blessing to a baby. I can't even wrap my head around the God story this is going to be.

Today at church we talked about how the church needs the city and how the city needs the church. They gave everyone a card to write a name on and to pray three scriptures over so that God would be preparing their heart for whatever it is He had for them. When we got in the car, Chris' eyes filled with tears as he told me he doesn't know the person's name he is praying for because it's the birth mom of our future child. Again, God doing exactly as I prayed, showing up in a real way.

I'm just so encouraged with what God is doing right now. Today we shared our testimony with our small group and met with a couple who adopted 22 years ago where, again, God showed up in a big way. After this weekend, I can just FEEL that He has something so beautiful in store for us. His way, not our own.

And I'm going to add this just in case...if anyone knows someone considering giving their baby up for adoption or is pregnant and considering an abortion, would you PLEASE let me know? Right now we are beginning to go through an agency but would gladly go through a private adoption if one became available. If you hear anything, please consider us.